Article XXXI: Whether I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time?
Objection I: It would seem that I stole Laurie’s apple juice during nap time. For it was said: “Thomas, go sit in the corner. And say you’re sorry to Laurie for drinking her juice” (Miss Ellen).
Objection II: Further, once in the corner, I wedgied Billy and made him eat glue.
On the contrary, it is written: “Share everything” (that poster on the wall, right above the carpet where Billy puked up the glue).
I answer that we all have to share like it says on the poster. Firstly, because Holy Writ says so: “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Also, everyone has to share because sometimes they have lots of something (juice, for example) that they never even drink and that someone else (me, for example) wants. When I play with my blocks, Miss Ellen makes me share with that Greek Orthodox kid, even though they’re my blocks and he picks his nose and smells and is dumb. Hence, I should get to have juice when I’m thirsty. For the best part about school is the juice (except on Fridays when we get chocolate milk).
Reply to Objection I: If I have to share my blocks with a smelly nose-picker, then Laurie has to share her juice. I was only sharing her juice, just like the poster says. For the poster says to share everything, and “everything” includes juice. Hence, Miss Ellen shouldn’t have made me sit in the corner.
Reply to Objection II: He started it.
Source: thebigjewel.com
Q:I am considering a new religion, how should I choose? I would prefer a guilt free construct which would provide me more ethical leeway. Thank you!
-Harold the Great
Anonymous
The predominant social forms of modern religions have been around in most cases since about the 1500’s, with a globalization occurring in line with the economic and political globalization of the last century, serving to constrict regional relevancies that were traditionally encouraged in earlier times. It is no wonder you are feeling a bit restrained.
While you may wish to join in a Universalist congregation for wide-open possibilities, consider the fate of Akbar’s Din-i-ilahi, which also sought common spiritual ground but provided no looseness in ethics, cultimating in a combined religion with the additional negative of vegetarianism, a frightening thought.
You may also create your own religion. As proven hundreds of times, it is easiest to base it upon an existing one. However this is not without risk: King Henry may have been able to divorce, but Anglicanism remained focused on moral living and religious devotion, certainly not guilt-free.
Creating a new religion from scratch is much more difficult, unless you are extremely charismatic as well as psycho-pathological, an entrepreneurial-marketer, socially-controlling, or a prophet. If these described you, it’s unlikely you would have written us.
Baruch Spinoza, Absolver of guilt
Based on your preferences, we suggest you study Spinozan Naturalism. The Deism popular at the time of the American Revolution embraced Naturalism, believing in God as a clockmaker who set things in motion but left things alone after that. Spinoza, however, went further, suggesting that humans are simply following nature’s course in their actions. Therefore, there is no guilt when one’s actions are controlled not by free will, but by natural processes.
So follow your gut, and enjoy where it leads you.
—Shallow Sage
He often had some of his most critical insights whilst on the toilet.
(François-Léon Benouville, 1840s)
Q:The "check engine" light came on last night in my car. My dad says to ignore it but my wife said I'd better take it to the shop. What do you say?
Anonymous
Throughout history, many important philosophers have contemplated the idea that inanimate objects possess a soul, including Aristotle and Leibniz. It is easy to extrapolate from this that such objects may be capable of healing.
You most likely know your vehicle better than either your dad or your wife knows it, and thus you can probably answer to its state of mind and ability to heal itself better than anyone. If your car has the right attitude and a helpful and strong demeanor, it is likely that you can avoid the charges of a mechanic and let nature take its course.
—Shallow Sage
Q:I received two very similar jackets for Christmas from my wife and from my mother. They were quite expensive and I'd like to return one, but I'm afraid of offending either of them. What should I do?
Anonymous
As you are no doubt aware, there are two historically divergent paths to follow in this situation.
You may follow what we loosely term a Confucian path to harmony, where the son shall obey parents, and the wife her husband. Or you may tread the Hebrew path, in which a man is instructed to leave his mother, and cleave to his wife.
To find your own way, if you are not already predisposed to one system of beliefs over the other, we advise you to ask your wife which one looks best on you.
—Shallow Sage
Near-wisdom from the ages.
Because people never change.
