Throughout history, many important philosophers have contemplated the idea that inanimate objects possess a soul, including Aristotle and Leibniz.  It is easy to extrapolate from this that such objects may be capable of healing.

You most likely know your vehicle better than either your dad or your wife knows it, and thus you can probably answer to its state of mind and ability to heal itself better than anyone.  If your car has the right attitude and a helpful and strong demeanor, it is likely that you can avoid the charges of a mechanic and let nature take its course.

—Shallow Sage

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Julius Caesar had a lot of trouble with his weight and every year he made resolutions to eat better, which is apparently why we have “Caesar Salad.” But even after adding grilled chicken, his resolutions were too hard to keep.

30% of resolutions are dropped after 2 weeks, and 80% after two months, and mostly because, like yours and Caesar’s, they aren’t specific enough. So I’d be surprised if you’re still going strong with that bit of vagueness.

If you really want to keep any resolutions, then follow the ones made by the Babylonians 4000 years ago, or even ones from other ancient Romans. The Babylonians mostly resolved to return things that they borrowed in the year, and the Romans often resolved to seek forgiveness for things they had done.

So, give up on the vague healthy stuff. Just return your friend’s book, and ask your ex to to get over what you called her in your last blog post, and you should be all set until next year.  

Happy new year!

—Shallow Sage

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As you are no doubt aware, there are two historically divergent paths to follow in this situation.

You may follow what we loosely term a Confucian path to harmony, where the son shall obey parents, and the wife her husband. Or you may tread the Hebrew path, in which a man is instructed to leave his mother, and cleave to his wife.

To find your own way, if you are not already predisposed to one system of beliefs over the other, we advise you to ask your wife which one looks best on you.

—Shallow Sage

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Many of our modern evergreen Christmas decorations originated in Roman times during the feast of Saturnalia, which lasted from December 17-23. That was considered quite a long period of time for a nonstop celebration, and is still quite a good party today. European Pagans had a similar decorating and feasting practice to celebrate the winter solstice, keeping the party going for the 12-day burning of the yule log. And the idea of cutting down a live tree to bring inside was part of an ancient Middle Eastern winter celebration.

   Saturnalia, by Sophistes

According to the prophet Jeremiah, “heathen” would decorate trees and branches with precious metals at this time of the year. Indeed, Tertullian condemned early Christians for doing so around 200AD; the Puritans considered such decoration a “desecration” of the sacred event in their time, and it was banned in Scotland and parts of America; and when a Pastor Swann of Ohio decorated a tree in church as recently as 1851, he was condemned and threatened by his parishioners.

So if it is Christmas you celebrate, you may take heart in the fact that there is no Judeo-Christian religious basis for the decorations.  However, we suggest you reconsider your appreciation: putting them up has kicked off a week-long party in a range of cultures for thousands of years.  Take your place in history: string up some evergreen and lights, raise your glass and enjoy it.

—Shallow Sage

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Cats were domesticated by the ancient Egyptians, who we can thank for their morally superior attitude. Herodotus tells of an Egyptian crowd so enraged by a Roman chariot running over a cat, that they attacked and killed the driver. Incidents like this likely contributed to its lofty self-image.

You are not alone in your dislike of the feline.  For example, the skillful lawmaker Pope Gregory IX also held cats in low esteem. During his papacy he declared that the cat was both a symbol and a form of the devil, setting off a cat-killing frenzy. 

  Relief of Pope Gregory IX, US Congress

On the other hand, we remember him today for the Inquisition, attempts to enslave Jews, and for being called the Antichrist by contemporaries. Also, his extermination of cats is credited for an explosion in the rat population that hastened the spread of the Black Death, killing half the population of Europe.

We see different lessons in other societies. Similar stories are told of the Chinese Emperor Shih Huang Ti and the prophet Muhammad, who, upon finding a cat sleeping on his robe, went on and did not wake it, demonstrating sympathy even for annoying creatures. In ancient Indian writings, Hindus were expected to care for at least one cat in their lifetime; perhaps this taught patience.

It is said that cats are excellent judges of character. Consider this carefully, for it may lead you to the root of your difficulties; your struggles with this cat can teach you patience and understanding.

—Shallow Sage

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While this is an advice column, not a lost and found, we do believe we can help you.

For it is as true today as when Ben Franklin may have once suggested: “A beard is simpler to groom when one has removed his head from his backside.”

—Shallow Sage

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For centuries, our clothing has reflected status, not age. It may seem as if we have moved past a class- or occupation-based dress code in our society, but that’s only true for young people, hence your confusion. When adults forget they are fully grown, they often dress inappropriately.

Consider the great Sir Walter Raleigh, whose jewel-encrusted boots had such high heels that he could not walk on cobblestones. Unless you are under 22, such outrageous style is reserved only for the wealthiest English knights, as demonstrated most visibly today by Sir Elton John. 

   Sir Walter Raleigh, at c.33

A black skull t-shirt is allowed for adults, such as bikers, and many artists and musicians believe it lends them a sort of macho credibility.  If you are a banker, engineer, or marketing consultant, however, your days of skull shirts most likely should be behind you.

   David Evans, aka The Edge, at 46

To be safe, which is usually easiest, dress like your friends and coworkers (or potential coworkers) and do not deviate from their style. Flatter them by asking where they shop, and give up on being creative. If you have no friends or coworkers, and want to look like you never need to exert yourself, try flip-flops with a polo shirt.

—Shallow Sage

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We find an interesting strategy from Sir Thomas More, whose conversation and intelligence so pleased Henry VIII that he constantly requested his company. In order to avoid these annoying interruptions, he pretended to be dull and unentertaining until the king grew bored of him.

  Sir Thomas More

This sacrificed his reputation for wit and his audience with the king, but it saved his time. However, shortly afterward he also skipped the coronation of Anne Boleyn as queen, setting in motion a chain of events that led to his execution.

On that note, you may find you need to go to your meetings and keep your superiors entertained, in order to keep your position.

—Shallow Sage

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Consider the story of scholar Giordano Bruno. Exiled by the Inquisition in 1576, he found patrons throughout Europe, but always enraged them over trivial matters or was banned for his violent quarrels. He returned to Venice because he had nowhere else to go, and was burned at the stake in 1600. 

  Giordano Bruno

Many believe Bruno was exiled for his Copernicanism, but this was not even considered heresy until 1664. While we know of him today because of his belief in extraterrestrial life, he actually knew very little about astronomy, and his unlikability caused his downfall.

We suggest you take Bruno’s experience to heart: while you may consider your Bieber impersonations to be a capital truth, you must accept that it is your own personality that is in great need of improvement.

—Shallow Sage

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In Ancient Rome, the citizens allowed to participate in the debates of the Forum were limited.  Women, for example, were not allowed, nor were Romans of lower classes.  The most objectionable presence in the Forum would have been those unfortunate souls forced to shelter beneath bridges, known as trolls.  

 Forum of Ancient Rome

In our internet forums today, however, it is difficult to keep out riffraff, as a quick glance at the comments section of ABC News immediately makes clear. 

If you cannot build your own private forum, then you must accept the difficult fact that you cannot educate these morons online. As Plato noted, Opinion derives from the shifting world of Sensation, a world you cannot yet convey by internet post. Knowledge itself cannot be recalled without the experience of the body.

—Shallow Sage

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For this we consult Plinius, who, in describing what may be the prescursor to today’s Rieslings in his study of Roman agriculture, informs us that the best wine is white.

 Gaius Plinius Secundus (Pliny the Elder)

According to his adopted nephew, Pliny the Younger, the eldest Pliny also invented the word for hops and was both a top scholar and one of Rome’s bravest generals, up until he succumbed to the gases of Vesuvius. So Plinius knew what he was talking about.

A lesser-known volume on libations, from the younger Pliny, advises us to serve it with a single ice cube.

—Shallow Sage

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As you’ve learned, shotguns and flamethrowers are not the best tools for lawn maintenance, as it may take some time for plants to recover from such a treatment. Presidents Washington and Jefferson both used sheep to keep their grass clipped instead, but this practical exercise undermines the entire point of a wasteful aristocratic display of disposable wealth.

 What not to do: Sheep on the lawn.

Therefore, in keeping with a lawn’s purpose, our advice is to hire several gardeners to keep watch full time.  Outfit them with your family crest in matching uniforms, and arm them, not only with gardening tools, but with nets, pellet guns, and cages to trap and kill the pesty rodents and birds.

  An appropriate uniform

Your new gardeners must also serve as your personal guards, which will increase your local status. Their purpose is practical, however, as you will certainly need protection from the vengeance of your surviving neighbors.

—Shallow Sage

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