As you’ve learned, shotguns and flamethrowers are not the best tools for lawn maintenance, as it may take some time for plants to recover from such a treatment. Presidents Washington and Jefferson both used sheep to keep their grass clipped instead, but this practical exercise undermines the entire point of a wasteful aristocratic display of disposable wealth.

 What not to do: Sheep on the lawn.

Therefore, in keeping with a lawn’s purpose, our advice is to hire several gardeners to keep watch full time.  Outfit them with your family crest in matching uniforms, and arm them, not only with gardening tools, but with nets, pellet guns, and cages to trap and kill the pesty rodents and birds.

  An appropriate uniform

Your new gardeners must also serve as your personal guards, which will increase your local status. Their purpose is practical, however, as you will certainly need protection from the vengeance of your surviving neighbors.

—Shallow Sage

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According to Theophrastus of Eressus, “We must consider the distinctive characters and the general nature of plants from the point of view of their morphology, their behaviour under external conditions, their mode of generation and the whole course of their life.”

Try to follow Theophrastus: How does your orchid behave when it goes outside? What does it like to make? What path has its life story followed?  

You may find that there is conflict in these answers. While orchids have had the reputation as a rich person’s plant for hundreds of years, it is still true that our word orchid comes from the earthy Greek word orchis, meaning ‘testicle.’ Thus, what may be occurring in this case is an identity crisis of your specimen which can be resolved by intensive therapy or, perhaps, by allowing it to dry before rewatering.

—Shallow Sage

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