As you’ve learned, shotguns and flamethrowers are not the best tools for lawn maintenance, as it may take some time for plants to recover from such a treatment. Presidents Washington and Jefferson both used sheep to keep their grass clipped instead, but this practical exercise undermines the entire point of a wasteful aristocratic display of disposable wealth.

 What not to do: Sheep on the lawn.

Therefore, in keeping with a lawn’s purpose, our advice is to hire several gardeners to keep watch full time.  Outfit them with your family crest in matching uniforms, and arm them, not only with gardening tools, but with nets, pellet guns, and cages to trap and kill the pesty rodents and birds.

  An appropriate uniform

Your new gardeners must also serve as your personal guards, which will increase your local status. Their purpose is practical, however, as you will certainly need protection from the vengeance of your surviving neighbors.

—Shallow Sage

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Coffee and coffeehouses have been drivers of urban culture for centuries, becoming popular across Europe in the 1600’s, and a century earlier in many parts of the Middle East. Coffee itself was important long before that, having been banned by the Ethiopian Orthodox Church even before the 12th century. Therefore, we recommend you summon the energy to walk outside, and go buy a cup at one of these culturally significant establishments.

If this is not a possibility for you because you live in the boonies, we suggest that you may find it convenient to use one of the previously mentioned unmated socks as a replacement.

—Shallow Sage

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A very important question, considering that the warm season is ending soon and many will start wearing shoes again until Spring.

Beginning in the Middle Ages, the primary difference between the clothing of varying social classes has been color, not cut.  We believe there is no reason that should be different today. 

This leaves you two simple choices.  Either wear the socks mismatched, reveling in the introduction of an additional color, or if you prefer, use the lone socks as part of a patchwork in a new jacket.

Notably, the philosopher Rene Descartes agreed with either approach: ”Each self inhabits its own subjective realm,” he declared, in an obvious reference to socks, “and its mental life has an integrity prior to and independent of its interaction with others.”

—Shallow Sage

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Just as most do today, Westerners of the early Renaissance and Medieval periods believed that goldfish were mythical creatures, having only witnessed them in Asian paintings.  However, they are quite real, arriving here by falling off the cloud of a heavenly palace, where they had been playing too close to the watery edge.

Since you may have such a magical treasure on your hands, we recommend that you take your fish to your local taxidermist and have it stuffed and mounted for wall display.  We are not known for our sentimentality and suggest that you take profits where you can.  You may be able to fetch a pretty penny from the rubes in your neighborhood for viewings.

On the other hand, you may have a common fish such as a trout (you did not specify).  In that case, you should cook and eat it before it starts to smell.

—Shallow Sage

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According to Theophrastus of Eressus, “We must consider the distinctive characters and the general nature of plants from the point of view of their morphology, their behaviour under external conditions, their mode of generation and the whole course of their life.”

Try to follow Theophrastus: How does your orchid behave when it goes outside? What does it like to make? What path has its life story followed?  

You may find that there is conflict in these answers. While orchids have had the reputation as a rich person’s plant for hundreds of years, it is still true that our word orchid comes from the earthy Greek word orchis, meaning ‘testicle.’ Thus, what may be occurring in this case is an identity crisis of your specimen which can be resolved by intensive therapy or, perhaps, by allowing it to dry before rewatering.

—Shallow Sage

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Consistency between printers and printing houses developed well after inconsistencies of style and use allowed the Runic letter ‘Wynn’ to be overtaken by Norman influence, by the letter W, which did not exist in Latin.  Over the course of several hundred years W became its own distinct letter, instead of two U’s or V’s, by the 14th century.  

In order to for language to continue to evolve, we believe it is important that you continue to use your old cartridges even as they are out of ink, and hand-letter any missing characters.

—Shallow Sage

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