Consider the story of scholar Giordano Bruno. Exiled by the Inquisition in 1576, he found patrons throughout Europe, but always enraged them over trivial matters or was banned for his violent quarrels. He returned to Venice because he had nowhere else to go, and was burned at the stake in 1600. 

  Giordano Bruno

Many believe Bruno was exiled for his Copernicanism, but this was not even considered heresy until 1664. While we know of him today because of his belief in extraterrestrial life, he actually knew very little about astronomy, and his unlikability caused his downfall.

We suggest you take Bruno’s experience to heart: while you may consider your Bieber impersonations to be a capital truth, you must accept that it is your own personality that is in great need of improvement.

—Shallow Sage

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In Ancient Rome, the citizens allowed to participate in the debates of the Forum were limited.  Women, for example, were not allowed, nor were Romans of lower classes.  The most objectionable presence in the Forum would have been those unfortunate souls forced to shelter beneath bridges, known as trolls.  

 Forum of Ancient Rome

In our internet forums today, however, it is difficult to keep out riffraff, as a quick glance at the comments section of ABC News immediately makes clear. 

If you cannot build your own private forum, then you must accept the difficult fact that you cannot educate these morons online. As Plato noted, Opinion derives from the shifting world of Sensation, a world you cannot yet convey by internet post. Knowledge itself cannot be recalled without the experience of the body.

—Shallow Sage

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For this we consult Plinius, who, in describing what may be the prescursor to today’s Rieslings in his study of Roman agriculture, informs us that the best wine is white.

 Gaius Plinius Secundus (Pliny the Elder)

According to his adopted nephew, Pliny the Younger, the eldest Pliny also invented the word for hops and was both a top scholar and one of Rome’s bravest generals, up until he succumbed to the gases of Vesuvius. So Plinius knew what he was talking about.

A lesser-known volume on libations, from the younger Pliny, advises us to serve it with a single ice cube.

—Shallow Sage

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As you’ve learned, shotguns and flamethrowers are not the best tools for lawn maintenance, as it may take some time for plants to recover from such a treatment. Presidents Washington and Jefferson both used sheep to keep their grass clipped instead, but this practical exercise undermines the entire point of a wasteful aristocratic display of disposable wealth.

 What not to do: Sheep on the lawn.

Therefore, in keeping with a lawn’s purpose, our advice is to hire several gardeners to keep watch full time.  Outfit them with your family crest in matching uniforms, and arm them, not only with gardening tools, but with nets, pellet guns, and cages to trap and kill the pesty rodents and birds.

  An appropriate uniform

Your new gardeners must also serve as your personal guards, which will increase your local status. Their purpose is practical, however, as you will certainly need protection from the vengeance of your surviving neighbors.

—Shallow Sage

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From the 14th century writings of Johannes de Mirfeld, we know that fitness coaches are especially observant of their students, and often notice health issues others may miss.  

This was true even in the time of the most famous gym teacher, Aristotle. He himself was deluded enough to state that woman was simply an inferior man, although images of him with Phyllis suggest he may have felt otherwise.

 Aristotle (teaching gym?), late 14th c.

We strongly suggest you recognize that you’re not fooling anybody, especially your teacher, who may be able to give you some numbers of health professionals or counselors.  

In the process of that acceptance, you may revel in the added bonus of proving Aristotle wrong, which, quite frankly, you appear to be doing already.

—Shallow Sage

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If you are truly searching for a lucrative profession, then your current choices are not the most obvious. Based on your noted interests, we suggest that you become not a politician exactly, but a diplomat. 

Diplomats often acquire titles such as Count, Duke or Baron, as well as great wealth and prestige. Thomas Usk, for example, was appointed under-sherrif of London in 1387, and was able to delegate trade pacts that entitled him to a hefty percentage of the deals this generated. 

Newgate, London

Usk, however, was executed by the Gloucester party, his head displayed over Newgate. Importantly for you, before his demise he wrote The Testament of Love, a work of such confused dullness that it demonstrates why a career in the creative arts is simply not for everyone.

—Shallow Sage

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Historical precedent for Dubai is difficult, as it is a relatively young city, beginning as a regional trading center, and becoming a global one today.

  Ibn Buttata

Therefore, before your trip next week, it is critical that you read all of the 14th century travel writings of Ibn Battuta, who traveled for 29 years straight throughout the entire Arab world.  After completing his works, to absorb Dubai’s role in world trade, we suggest that you visit Trader Vic’s, because of its international theming and music, its location in a souk-based shopping mall, and its name. 

  Trader Vic

We, however, prefer Alpha, because its ancient Greek statues make us feel cozy and at home.

—Shallow Sage

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Clearly, your boyfriend must be a prince, and your parents will improve their social and business prospects by way of your arrangement. If that were not the case, we would expect a similar fate for you to that of Letta, daughter of Federigo di Pierozzo Sassetti, when she died in 1383. She was buried by the friars at the Borgo Ognissanti, damned and disowned by her family, who contemplated a vendetta to “bring some balm to our feelings.”

Fig. 1: Sigismondo Malatesta

Since we have established that the gentleman is royalty, the most important precedent in your case is that of Prince Sigismondo (fig. 1), writer of passionate poetry to his second mistress, the teenage Isotta degli Atti. In most cases, a concubina was given some stipend and sent away, but this romantic story had a happy ending for Isotta. Twenty-five years later, he appointed her son his successor (instead of his eldest) and they were married. He even put an “S loves I” logo throughout the Cathedral of Rimini (fig. 2).

Fig. 2: Rimini Cathedral of San Francesco

Therefore, our advice is long-term: First, be about twenty. Second, introduce him to no one and associate only with whom he suggests. Third, have a son together who has an aptitude for finance or politics. Continue to serve this role faithfully for 20-30 years, and (fingers crossed!!) he may decree an official status for his son, and then for you.  

—Shallow Sage

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Many scholars believe that the Duke boys represent an Appalachian-foothill continuation of cultural ways begun in the 18th century Scottish Highlands, where fast driving and acrobatic stunts made it necessary for John McAdam to invent a new road surface, the water-based forerunner of today’s “tarmac”.

  John McAdam

While a “kit car” approach to a flashy vehicle such as the General may not be out of character for this culture, you must inform your sister that this is simply not feasible.  Just like the roads in McAdam’s English-Scottish border country, the dirt tracks and hay-bale ramps of Hazzard County require a Dodge 440 Magnum V8.

  440 Magnum

—Shallow Sage

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Coffee and coffeehouses have been drivers of urban culture for centuries, becoming popular across Europe in the 1600’s, and a century earlier in many parts of the Middle East. Coffee itself was important long before that, having been banned by the Ethiopian Orthodox Church even before the 12th century. Therefore, we recommend you summon the energy to walk outside, and go buy a cup at one of these culturally significant establishments.

If this is not a possibility for you because you live in the boonies, we suggest that you may find it convenient to use one of the previously mentioned unmated socks as a replacement.

—Shallow Sage

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A very important question, considering that the warm season is ending soon and many will start wearing shoes again until Spring.

Beginning in the Middle Ages, the primary difference between the clothing of varying social classes has been color, not cut.  We believe there is no reason that should be different today. 

This leaves you two simple choices.  Either wear the socks mismatched, reveling in the introduction of an additional color, or if you prefer, use the lone socks as part of a patchwork in a new jacket.

Notably, the philosopher Rene Descartes agreed with either approach: ”Each self inhabits its own subjective realm,” he declared, in an obvious reference to socks, “and its mental life has an integrity prior to and independent of its interaction with others.”

—Shallow Sage

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Just as most do today, Westerners of the early Renaissance and Medieval periods believed that goldfish were mythical creatures, having only witnessed them in Asian paintings.  However, they are quite real, arriving here by falling off the cloud of a heavenly palace, where they had been playing too close to the watery edge.

Since you may have such a magical treasure on your hands, we recommend that you take your fish to your local taxidermist and have it stuffed and mounted for wall display.  We are not known for our sentimentality and suggest that you take profits where you can.  You may be able to fetch a pretty penny from the rubes in your neighborhood for viewings.

On the other hand, you may have a common fish such as a trout (you did not specify).  In that case, you should cook and eat it before it starts to smell.

—Shallow Sage

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Consider the example of the mass-produced 15th century manuscripts of Bruges and Ghent, which in many ways were horticulturally precise predecessors of the Krakow botanical paintings. It appears that this high quality and widely-disseminated artistic production did not lead to immediate individual fame for these artists, yet scholars today are working to determine their identities.

We therefore suggest a basic strategy. A strong focus on the production of accurate and beautiful supporting documentation for the evidently more successful residents of your street will likely compel future researchers (up to and including the Google van) to investigate your identity, possibly within only a few centuries.

The key for success in your case will, of course, be a very large body of extremely high quality and innovative work.

—Shallow Sage

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According to Theophrastus of Eressus, “We must consider the distinctive characters and the general nature of plants from the point of view of their morphology, their behaviour under external conditions, their mode of generation and the whole course of their life.”

Try to follow Theophrastus: How does your orchid behave when it goes outside? What does it like to make? What path has its life story followed?  

You may find that there is conflict in these answers. While orchids have had the reputation as a rich person’s plant for hundreds of years, it is still true that our word orchid comes from the earthy Greek word orchis, meaning ‘testicle.’ Thus, what may be occurring in this case is an identity crisis of your specimen which can be resolved by intensive therapy or, perhaps, by allowing it to dry before rewatering.

—Shallow Sage

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