Q:i have recently receded or reseeded my fescue lawn. You can imagine my chagrin as i watch the birds, squirrels, chipmonks, and wildebeasts gorging on my innocent little seeds. I have tried using a shotgun and a flame thrower but the surviving neighbors have complained. Any ideas?
Anonymous
As you’ve learned, shotguns and flamethrowers are not the best tools for lawn maintenance, as it may take some time for plants to recover from such a treatment. Presidents Washington and Jefferson both used sheep to keep their grass clipped instead, but this practical exercise undermines the entire point of a wasteful aristocratic display of disposable wealth.
What not to do: Sheep on the lawn.
Therefore, in keeping with a lawn’s purpose, our advice is to hire several gardeners to keep watch full time. Outfit them with your family crest in matching uniforms, and arm them, not only with gardening tools, but with nets, pellet guns, and cages to trap and kill the pesty rodents and birds.
An appropriate uniform
Your new gardeners must also serve as your personal guards, which will increase your local status. Their purpose is practical, however, as you will certainly need protection from the vengeance of your surviving neighbors.
—Shallow Sage
Near-wisdom from the ages.
Because people never change.
